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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28615461">Please don't take my sunshine away</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/pspsps_Yuxin/pseuds/pspsps_Yuxin'>pspsps_Yuxin</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>FFC-Acrush (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Addiction, Comfort/Angst, Confusion, F/F, Loneliness, References to Depression, References to Illness</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 09:33:17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,484</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28615461</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/pspsps_Yuxin/pseuds/pspsps_Yuxin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>They had always told Xichen she was the glue that held their group together. Yet what purpose did she have now that the pieces were no longer there to begin with?</p><p>(Check warnings in tags and notes before reading)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lin Fan | Marco/Peng Xichen | Shawn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Please don't take my sunshine away</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi there! Happy new year!</p><p>I would like to remind you all this work is pure fiction and all that is referenced to happen in it, besides the obvious real public occurrences, is fiction. This work is heavily themed around heavy and serious topics such as depression, loneliness, addiction and a non specific illness. </p><p>In no way this work wants to romanticize these topics. Again, this work about Peng Xichen and Lin Fan is pure fiction.</p><p>If any of the warnings above trigger you or make you uncomfortable I highly advise you  NOT to read. </p><p>Thank you to my beta reader for the amazing proofreading!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>"Bye bye~" </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Even with the huge blue reflective glasses under her messy dark bangs, which she didn’t bother to take care of beforehand, Xichen's smile shone through her shy eyes in hopes that her fans could see it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Love you too. Bye bye~" </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A few more farewells were exchanged before the device was switched off, ending the long-overdue livestream. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Once again Xichen was left in her own silence. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It had been a while since her last livestream with her fans. However, there was no warning for it this time around. Xichen had just entered her apartment that night when she found it yet again too quiet, the silence sickening her at a fast pace. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The required equipments for a smooth livestream were already there, except for the microphone. She decided her phone would have to do for now. As for the lights, she had plenty of them which could turn her room from the darkest night to a sunny, spring afternoon. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The fans did mention that they miss her, so why not? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Just like that, Xichen passed an hour and a half reading fast comments and carefully answering questions, playing some songs and singing a bit too. It gave her a feeling of comfort that was lacking in her daily routine and Xichen was not ashamed to crave it some nights. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The short haired girl got herself off the floor and inspected her small apartment for a moment before starting to reorganize the space for the night. With one hand, she scrolled through her phone, while the other turned the ring light completely off since it was no longer necessary. Her eyes felt too tired with the blinding light burning her face for so long. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Soon the space returned to its melancholic state, frozen in time. </span>
  <span>The only clear mismatch was caused by Xichen switching on the Christmas fairy lights which she had installed on her wall just last week.</span>
  <span> The soft glow from the tiny bulbs was all the light her eyes needed to navigate the small space. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Looking out the window she could only wish for better days to follow her monotonous routine. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Two vibrating sounds nearby called for her attention. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Two new messages. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Unlocking her phone, she clicked the notifications. One was from Keran, telling her to sleep, reprimanding her on the late hours. The older girl must have gotten a notification upon Xichen going live. As usual, she expected that concern coming from the oldest, now more than ever since she was far away for the time being. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The second message, however, arrived not even a minute ago. It was from Linfan. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Open," she read the simple word in the blue text box out loud, confused at the lack of context. Another two messages arrived soon after, each containing one word as well. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <em>
      <span>The</span>
    </em>
  </span>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <em>
      <span>Door</span>
    </em>
  </span>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Still thoroughly confused, Xichen reached for her apartment door and peeked her head outside, not noticing the person in front of her, causing her head to hit hard against the other's jaw. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Ouch!" a complaint erupted from the person outside her door. Looking up, Xichen saw big dark eyes squinting from the sudden bite of pain at her jaw, which the other's hand tried to massage away. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"What the hell are you doing here?! Just get in," Xichen nagged while pulling the taller girl inside, closing the door after her fast so as to not let the ample heat within her apartment escape through the door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The electricity bill was quite high and unfortunately, it took a massive amount of time to heat up the entire place. Xichen would not let a mere open door ruin her month with a major blow to her finances. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After all, this year had proven to have one of the coldest winters in China. Though her time in Korea was fairly cold too, this winter was starting to take her by surprise. She abandoned her phone at the small countertop of her kitchen before letting out a long sigh, hot breath warming her cold lips.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The broken clock on her wall, which was never repaired due to her laziness, read 10 p.m. It wasn't of much use since it was always 10 p.m... So, she looked at her phone instead. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her lockscreen was still an old picture of them, smiling together in better days... "It's almost 1 a.m.," Xichen stated in a tired voice. Live streaming was now tiring for her? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>In what strange world are you living in, Xichen? </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In front of her, stood her ex-teammate and established meimei of their old group. The taller girl was sporting a big looking jacket going all the way down to her knees, covering most of her physique. The end of her black sweatpants were stuffed inside heavy boots, perfect for the wonderful combination that was rain and snow, the weather hazardous enough to make you slip and fall down the frozen sidewalk. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I know, but I decided to pass by." Linfan's voice was raspy, unlike the usual airy and smooth sound it tends to display. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Was she sleeping before?... </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Why the hell was she here, freezing at her doorstep in the middle of the night, lying to her face saying that she was just passing by?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Cut the chase, Linfan...I had a long day." The intense tapping of her fingers on the countertop and the hand massaging her forehead surely gave Linfan the idea. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Linfan made herself comfortable on the small couch first, taking off her jacket to lay it beside her. "Why did you start a live so late?" </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Staring at Linfan, Xichen showed no signs of giving her an answer anytime soon, or at all that night. Both of them had spent too much time together for her to know Xichen would only give her silence. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>There is nothing to say.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"You only hold lives when you feel lonely." It was not a question but a statement. A right one at that, but Xichen was still too prideful to admit it. "That is, if you didn't change" </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"That doesn't explain why you're here so late." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Though Linfan was trying to play it cool, it was obvious she was hiding her true intentions. The taller's hands were still shaking from the cold, not having been given enough time to warm up yet. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I just told you, I was close by and decided to say hi" </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The taller looked at Xichen’s eyes with her last words, showing her a small, drained smile.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Xichen, however, looked away. Believing she did not wish to see that small gesture or maybe she doesn’t even deserve to be at the other end of such kind action. Her eyes soon landed on a cabinet near the sink. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Did she even take her meds yet? </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She hadn't. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Xichen could not go on without taking those nowadays. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Linfan, no one roams around this late while it is raining and snowing. You are a horrible liar," the older accused. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"You are even worse than I am but we don't talk about that now, do we?" Linfan retaliated at Xichen's back, observing the shorter struggling to grab a glass from the top shelf. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Well I'm not the one sitting my frozen ass on my friend's couch in the middle of the night-" </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Xichen stopped mid-sentence, surprised as another hand easily lowered the glass closer to her reach. When did Linfan get so close behind her? Either way now she stood towering over her as Xichen accepted the cup, filling it with water from the kitchen tap.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Xichen." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her hands struggled to open her med’s plastic container, focusing all her attention to the tiny little pills dancing around in the jar and completely ignoring the taller. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But Linfan's steady voice prevailed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Stop pretending..." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Wrong line, try again... </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This is what their relationship had been reduced to in the past few months. Xichen blamed it on many things, one of them being her growing illness, which the doctors still gambled on changing her prescription every few weeks. Whenever she found a way to use the meds for the better with their own peculiar side effects, a new patch of pills would be handed to her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her body was becoming more and more dependent on each dosage for simple things such as sleep. She missed falling asleep naturally without any external help... </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Stop pretending you're okay." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A much heavier atmosphere than before fell upon then. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I'm more than fine," she insisted, finally popping open the cap of the small bottle, and swallowing a single pill. The water in the cup was only a formality. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Another thing she blamed deeply was the stupid show. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ever since Linfan and Keran had decided to join the show, everything went downhill for their group. In a matter of a few weeks after their confirmation she found herself alone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Their dorm was left empty since Junxi deemed it fit to find a place of her own for the time being. Soon after, Xichen decided to do the same, it was too painful for her to even look at their empty beds. Thanks to the agency, both girls were able to get their own small apartments easily with a few favors and a low rent paid by the company. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Inside Xichen’s tiny apartment, the walls saw it all. The endless breakdowns after reading each medical report, the frustrations at not being able to land another work opportunity. Her mind growing increasingly troubled at night with bad dreams and cold sweats, for no apparent reason. It had also started to affect her writing and composing as well.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Can you be honest with me, Xichen?" </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Linfan's voice started to echo louder in her head, the weight on her chest growing heavier, the younger's words hitting too close to home.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Xichen missed the closeness they shared before they were forced apart, the warmth shared in the same bed and the comfort of her embrace. When the taller would return, she wanted to welcome her with open arms at the airport. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Xichen had it all planned a week in advance, but her illness had other plans. When Linfan finally arrived home, the older was nowhere to be seen. She was at the hospital, still recovering, they had gotten her in time. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Linfan, to this day, had no idea, or at least Xichen hoped. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At the moment, her frustration only grew thinking about it all over again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"If I only knew that you and Keke going on the show was going to be the end of </span>
  <em>
    <span>us</span>
  </em>
  <span>, I would’ve never let you go" </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The confusion on Linfan’s tired face was growing more evident. The taller was no longer relaxed, her shoulders visibly tensed. "It's not the end of us, Xichen." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Us or the group? </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Is it not?" Xichen aggressively placed the cup on the counter with a loud noise, surprising the other. Xichen was sick of being so quiet all the damn time, so she finally let it out all at once. "Keke left, won, and she hasn't returned since. You left, did not win, yet never returned either because you have now made a name for yourself. As for Junxi, she stayed, yes, but as soon as your show ended she tried to get herself in one too, and we both know how that turned out." Each word falling out of her mouth at a rapid pace, leaving a bad taste behind. The aggressiveness in her tone surprising the taller, who slowly reached out to hold her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Just like they used to, yet before it was always Xichen nurturing Linfan, and not the other way around. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Everyone left but I'm still stuck here..." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Like the space around her, Xichen felt as if she was a part of its stillness. She too remained stuck in time just like the damaged clock on the wall that would be late every single second of its life besides when 10 p.m. would hit. Only one minute of being in the present, that was exactly how she felt. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Chenchen." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Again, wrong line.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They had always told Xichen she was the glue that held their group together. Yet what purpose did she have now that the pieces were no longer there to begin with?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The agonizing sound of glass breaking filled the room. The shards of the glass cup were scattered too far away to reach anyone, and Xichen had no interest in them, yet Linfan was still wary to try and keep the older from hurting herself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I hate you cause you left!" </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Now it was more specific, her pain placed at her heart holding her down, heavy teardrops threatening to fall at any moment. Xichen offering her pain on a silver platter for the taller to take away. If only she could... </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As for Linfan, the pressure to reach out was suffocating. Without showing any of her usual playful antics, the taller grabbed on to Xichen, who tried to back away from her touch, in an attempt to move the shorter away from the glass shards. She was already hurting enough, she didn't need any more physical pain. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The quick action was carried out of worry but Xichen only saw it as being done out of pity, it infuriated her to no end. So she fought back against Linfan's hold, becoming more and more unpredictable. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I hate it!" Her small fist connected with Linfan's shoulder again in a useless attempt to get the other away from her. Only letting her pain get across not by the force which her weak punch didn't hold but by the weight her tears held on Linfan's heart. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Let go!" </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I'm so sorry," came a small whisper above her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Leave me alone!" </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I can't." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Xichen was lost. For the first time in months she didn't know what to do. She had always known she had to keep her head held high and face her difficulties alone, take her pills but not too many, go to the hospital on time, don’t drink. Never drink. Water was good, but not for her eyes. Her phone was not good for her eyes either, which confused her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Why did it confuse her again? </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh right... the light hurt her sight. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Everything hurt to look at... </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The only light that didn't physically hurt was her little sun that might not be so little now. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Linfan</span>
  </em>
  <span> was her little sun. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Let me go..." It was a useless cry, sounding pathetic even to Xichen's ears. She could only imagine what the taller thought about it. "Linfan, please," she pleaded over and over again but with no result. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Linfan stood still like a rock, unmoving. Her arms locked around Xichen's smaller frame in a tight hold, not even giving her space to hit the taller again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She felt powerless… stuck… useless...</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But at least she felt something. Anything at all. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At that moment, Xichen stopped ignoring her feelings. Finally allowing her emotions which had stayed frozen in time to actually take over all at once. It was overwhelming to the point where she succumbed to letting her body move on its own and give in, to stop fighting, and for once allow someone else to give her comfort. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The visible switch in her behaviour finally gave way for Linfan to help, and she did not take the opportunity for granted. In her arms, Xichen's small frame became almost lifeless, her body weight now placed almost fully on Linfan for support. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Those arms were the only thing keeping her from falling, her legs had failed her long ago. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It hurt so much </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Why was she hurting? </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Opening her eyes again, instead of seeing Linfan's chest in front of her, through the tears building up and falling down her face, she was presented with another view which left her confused. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>When did Linfan pick her up? Why were they in the hallway? </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her head felt heavy, legs fully numb with shaking hands that held onto the taller's clothing. The noise of pumping blood invaded Xichen's ears, easily becoming the only sound she could hear besides Linfan's steady heartbeat. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The light above them was too much, so she closed her eyes once again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>On reaching Xichen's room, Linfan lowered the older girl on her bed, her tears had now stopped falling but her eyes were still closed. No lights were turned on since it would hurt Xichen further, this much she knew. Hurting Xichen on purpose would be the last thing Linfan would do...</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Thankfully, the soft glow from the street lamps outside gave Linfan a vague idea of the space, she could see where things were but not the details. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She knew the sheets on the bed were dark grey but the pillows were of a strange color the light did not allow to see. The colorful fan letters on the wall looked deprived of their happiness just like the rest of the room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Linfan felt like she had entered a black and white movie which Xichen was a part of, completely deprived of her previous luscious colors. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Did I do this to you? </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her heavy boots were kicked off from her feet, allowing her to climb up the bed and join Xichen. But this was not the first thing she wished to do. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The kitchen was still covered in glass shards and the usually locked pills cabinet was left open. Xichen was not in a safe position to be alone in that kind of environment. Yet her delicate hands never let go of Linfan, even after her meds had clearly taken effect and made her extremely sleepy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Linfan also did not wish to let the smaller go from her hold ever again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At the end of the mattress, many blankets rested in a heap of soft fabrics that Xichen had always been obsessed with. And they were most definitely useful and pleasant to the touch. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Linfan grabbed as many as she could, positioning them all over, creating a cozy little niche for them to rest for the night. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Linfan." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The other's extremely tired voice called her name as weak arms tried to pull the taller closer to her. How could Linfan not give in? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I still love you after all </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And that's how they stayed for the night, cuddled up together under many warm fabrics, Linfan's hands caressing Xichen's lower back in aimless circles. The taller would be rewarded with small content sounds at her neck, which was where Xichen's head rested, a leg over her waist, which pulled Linfan even closer, and full lips, which made her stay.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Linfan never forgot how it felt to kiss her, not even when she was on the show, not even when she returned and was not able to see her without knowing why. At that time, she was worried about the possibility of previously having done something wrong. After all, Linfan was very flirtatious but only for the fun of it, and despite knowing Xichen, who did not seem to mind her flirtatious ways towards others, it was normal for her to have a limit. Yet the shorter never expressed her opinion about it. It was upto Linfan to decide when to stop. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Surprisingly enough, she never truly flirted with Xichen. The growing bond they had created over the years made her not be her usual flirty self in front of the older woman, she preferred to court her in private instead. She was serious about the two of them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As their lazy kisses continued, Linfan went deeper just for a bit, the last thing she wanted was to take advantage of the other's sleepy state which made Xichen easily comply to her every request. Not wanting to force her or lead her on to think anything more was to happen that night, Linfan only wanted to indulge herself a little more before finally pulling back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Their breaths were heavy but not desperate, Xichen rested her head once again by Linfan's neck, hiding her eyes from any possible light that could come her way. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They needed sleep. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Both of them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Looking at the ceiling above, Linfan lost herself in her thoughts, listening closely to Xichen’s soft breathing fall into place as she slowly dived deep into her slumber. Linfan's mind tried to absorb all the new information she had gathered that night but failed miserably, only confusing herself further. All she knew for sure was that Xichen needed her, she was not okay but she would get through it with some help and a lot of time. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That night, Linfan swore she would do anything in her power to help Xichen. As soon as the morning would catch up with their sleeping figures they would try to talk once and for all, or not talk at all and just enjoy each other's presence instead. Linfan was fine with either. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maybe all they really needed to make it better and get through those hard days was each other.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I hope the end of this work can leave a good message of companionship and support in dark times.</p><p>Thank you for reading and feel free to leave any positive criticism. </p><p>Again huge thank you to my beta reader!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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